Change . Me

It’s weird isn’t it? How in a years time nearly all our priorities and goals can change? How we have nearly completely reconstructed ourselves and how we are somehow still us? Still the person that was joyful and excited a year ago or still the person that was going through a depression a year ago. We change so much in a day, even more in a month and by the time it gets round to a year, the life we’re living has flipped itself on its head and done a dance that way.

It almost surprises me when people are shocked at ‘how much I’ve changed’. Were you expecting me to stay stagnant? To not grow? To remain the same person I was four years ago? I’m not criticizing them, I’m just surprised because they too have changed and grown and developed and they too are not the same person that they were four years ago. But most of all I’m surprised by how much I criticise myself for not meeting the goals that I had planned to meet by this time a year ago or two years ago. I’m surprised because I was the one going through that year of stress and difficulty but also a year of happiness and joy. I was there as an active participant so why do I punish myself for not meeting all the markers that a year ago me put in for myself to meet? Why am I so stressed about not growing up quick enough?

I have this fantasy world in my head of what I would like my life to be, of how I want it to play out. It’s probably a little far fetched and unreal but I think (Or at least hope) that everyone does this. It’s nice to fantasize the most extravagant life that you could possibly live, but I’m talking about the more realistic goals. I wanted to have finished writing my book by now and I wanted to have done this and done that but I haven’t because things happened along the way and I had a few quite big hiccups along the way and I had to grow and adapt.

I seem to be more focused on my prescribed growth rather than the growth that just comes naturally to me. The growth that happens with experience and hiccups. I wanted to be a particular person by this time last year and I’m not because the year long course that I took to get here had unforeseeable things.

I ended up in a very toxic community that was very painful to get out of, it was probably one of the worst periods of my life and it was one of the reasons I slowed down blogging on this blog because it just felt too much at the time and the emotional stuff was just too taxing. I struggled with getting my blog stats up and because of it I constantly felt inadequate, that I wasn’t doing enough even though I was working my butt off to try and keep up with everything. Another reason I stopped posting for a while.

I had amazing experiences and not so amazing experiences and all of this shaped and changed me to who I am now. I’m not where I wanted to be because the road I walked was not the one I planned.
All lengthy examples and euphemisms a side, I grew and maybe it wasn’t how I planned to grow but I am at a place where I am a better person.

The only thing that I would change is the fact that I’m still not completely okay with where I’m at. I wanted to be further along and have done more – but I haven’t.
I have to constantly remind myself that it’s okay and that I need to let things happen as the do. I haven’t found a way around this. I haven’t found a way to completely deal with the feeling of failure even when there is no failure. I will continue to grow and try to take the growth as it comes. I am taking myself as I am.

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