My story, unfortunately, doesn’t end there, I continued trying to push my way into their lives. I continued trying to be wanted. But every time they shut me down. It became a dull ache in my chest whenever I was around them and I felt like crying every time I was alone.
Nothing happened, and although my family knew, they couldn’t help – no one could. The hardest thing about these battles is that no one can help you fight them. They can give advice and try and support you but they can’t actually stand and fight for you. Another thing, most of the time it isn’t worth fighting it, it’s not worth fighting for them and losing yourself.
I remember the day someone outside of my close family noticed something was up. My class teacher noticed that I wasn’t my usual bubbly self and took me out of the class and asked me what was wrong. I remember feeling utterly helpless and not wanting to tell him because I knew it wouldn’t do anything. But he just kept asking, so I told him what was happening – a rather simplified version of the story – avoiding the names of the culprits but that wasn’t enough. He kept asking who. He wanted to help, people always do.
It didn’t help, he confronted the main culprits but that didn’t do anything. It didn’t get better and luckily it didn’t get worse. Although it did feel like it. You see I realised the next year that they were the ‘populars’. They were the girls that everyone wanted to be friends with.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to be on the outs with the popular girls? If I tried to be friends with anyone else they would push me away because otherwise, they would vicariously be on the outs with the ‘populars’. I sat alone for the rest of that year or if I was brave enough I would sit with my old group and just pretend for a while.
It was the next year – last year – that I decided it was going to be different. There were new girls in my grade. They were all – surprisingly – in my class. I was in charge of making them feel welcome. I quickly became friends with all of them. The one I got closets to was TomGirl, and she – conveniently – became friends with all the girls from my old group. The group I was still having trouble with.
But I was determined to have TomGirl become my new friend and I wasn’t going to let that group take something else from me. I spend as much time with her as possible. We sat together in maths and quickly began to develop our little jokes and things that only we would understand. During the July holidays, she invited me to go on holiday with her. I accepted and on that holiday we shared some pretty personal things.
When school started again, I was met with a pretty shocking surprise. TomGirl had decided that one friend wasn’t enough and had turned to my old group for friendship. Betrayed and heart-broken I had had enough. I was so far done it wasn’t even funny. I don’t think I’ve ever felt rage and betrayal to that extent in my life.
And let me tell it sucks. I’m not going to even try and sugar coat it. It is probably one of the suckiest things I have ever felt in my life. And the worst thing is that their choice becomes about what you did wrong. You over-analysis every little detail. Where did I go wrong? Why didn’t I do more?
People never hurt you directly, they hurt or take the things that mean something to you. TomGirl’s friendship meant a great deal, it meant that I could do this. It meant that I wasn’t alone anymore. And although I was still friends with some of the other new girls, there were complications in that friendship as well. I couldn’t sit with anyone else, I had to share my food and I had to be friends with them and only them. The relationship was controlling you could say.