We all have fights with our friends every once and a while. But we also have fall outs with our closest friends a few times in our lives, or if you’re lucky maybe once or twice. I have had only one massive fall out with my friends. And I sadly do not speak to any of them anymore. Even the ones I see daily I might only give the occasional hello.
I still wonder why, because although what they did to me felt like they were destroying the world I lived in at the time, I grew as a person and even though that sounds ridiculous and cliche, it’s true. It does however still bother me that they still treat me as if I’m different to them. The air is awkward whenever we are around each other and they still – without trying – are able to make me feel like I don’t fit in. Like I don’t belong.
To give you the background on the story. Three or so years ago I used to have a group of friends that I guess you could call my best friends. We talked all the time, sat with each other at breaks and used to go to each other’s houses every Friday.
But after a while, I don’t know if it was just me or them, but they stopped talking as much. The invitations on Fridays became less and less. And breaks became hard to get through. Jokes became rude and harsher as secrets ‘talks’ and ‘jokes’ that I didn’t or wouldn’t understand invaded my daily life. It was soon after this that they started disappearing at breaks, our usual spot under a tree was empty and there I sat alone.
After a while I got fed up with the on and off show ups at breaks and the secrets and decided to find a new group. But that too failed as in classes they would ask where I had been and why I wasn’t sitting with them. The questions continued and they kept pushing to know, getting more urgent, and it was a small field so they knew where I would go. They said I was betraying them by sitting with other people and not talking to them. Alas I gave up and began to sit with them again. The secrets and the hiding at break sizzled down after a while.
It was the next year when all hell broke loose. Lies, secrets and lots of pain. They pulled the ground right out from under my feet that year. I remember one thing that year. I gave up, I gave up on trying to confront them, I gave up on finding a new group, and I gave up on trying to be me. I started to try and be who they wanted me to be. What I thought they wanted me to be
I tried to think different, act different, walk different, talk different, I tried to not be me. Because I thought if they didn’t like me then no one would. I thought if I could get them to like me again everyone would like me again. I tried so hard and I pushed so hard. I got into conversations, kept up with the latest trends but it didn’t work – nothing did. The only thing it did do was bring me more pain because it was no longer them trying to hurt me, it was myself.
I was trying to take the person buried deep inside of me and make it a different person. I tried to tear myself down and then re-build myself up again all in the name of being liked. All to fit in. But there is something very strange about that sentence I wanted to fit in. Now what is fitting in? Is it changing who you are? Is it making a fake name for yourself? Is it pretending? Is it being rude and nasty about others? Is it hurting the people around you just to show you are superior?
No it’s not. Fitting in is about being comfortable in your own skin. It’s about not caring what others think. It’s about people loving you for the true you – the real you. And there is only one person you can fit in with – yourself.
I’m going to take a guess and say that then 90% of you reading this don’t fit in. You change yourselves to be what you think people will like. You do this because you’re afraid of rejection, we all are. But by doing this to yourself, you are rejecting you. The most important person in your life you reject, to try and not be rejected by people who don’t matter.
I didn’t learn this until all of what happened to me was over and I am still learning more about it. Because I’m still trying to build the bubbly, happy and caring girl I was before all of this. I’m still trying to push all this negativity, pain and sadness out of my life that has been embedded into my mind.
It’s hard trying to bring back who you are when something like this happens. It becomes this internal battle because there is still that voice in the back of your mind saying ‘what if?’ What if they don’t like you? What if you aren’t enough? What if…
The truth is after a while some of these what if’s don’t matter anymore because you begin to realize and you begin to believe that you are enough for yourself. And the only person you will truly be enough for is yourself. And that is the greatest gift you can give yourself.
My story unfortunately does not end here but it was too long to put in one post so I’ve split it into three different parts.